What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 09:19
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We all went to grammer schools
I waited trembling.
What is your response when someone says "how may I help you"?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
How can a hacker damage me, realistically?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Im still living with it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why do I like to eat my own cum?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What do you do when your family doesn’t care about you?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Is it okay if I sleep with my brother without my husband knowing?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I will be 64.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
This is soul school!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was scared of men, in general
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!